If a man is financially unable to provide his wife a separate house, and he has to keep her in his parents house (separate room and Kitchen provided),
In such case, often there arises issues in which he has to balance the situation with wisdom,
In his wife case, it is easy for him to instruct her not to do certain things or change some specific things etc, however in terms of parents, it seems a bit tricky as in Islam, parents have so much rights over the child. If there comes a point, in which it is very clearly evident that either of the parents are violating an Islamic commandment (in terms of that particular issue with his wife), does Islam allow the child to speak to his parents that don’t do it like this (In a humble way)?
In our culture, usually it is told that no matter what happens, try to ask your wife to make compromise, but i want to know what are the boundaries of Islam in this regard?
It should be taken in consideration that i am not asking the question in a way that it is some sort of Parents vs Wife issue, I just want to understand the boundaries of Islam in this regard and that in what cases the son can stop his parents from doing something that is violating the boundaries of Islam. Jazaak’Allah u khaira
Bismillahi Ta’ala
Walaikum Assalam Warahmatullah
At the outset it should be understood that the idea of living with the parents is not a shar’i expectation from the rights of Marriage or for that matter being a child of one’s parents. What is expected from oneself is that one is available and exerts in taking care of all the rights and needs of the parents if and when needed. This does not mean that he has to be available in the house for it. He could be in the same vicinity, living close by, offering privacy to his own family, while maintaining regular and unfettered fulfillment of his rights to the parents.
I understand that the scenario in your question is not entirely as I have stated, but I thought to mention it since many a times people get an incorrect comprehension of one’s duties when it comes to wives and parents.
As long as you have maintained your level best to fulfill the rights, while nurturing your wife in how to cope with the parent and at the same time to forgo her own desires and rights when the sanctity of the home demands for it; issues may come where there is a need to address the parents.
In cases where this minor forms of aggression from the parents is not in religious violation, rather a temperamental misalignment, then I suggest to learn to tolerate and overlook. Parents have tolerated our outbursts and tantrums from the time of our youth, while still providing us the environment of health and nourishment, so they deserve double that when Allah imposes the responsibilities on to our shoulders.
However, in cases where an action or persistence from one’s parents violates some shar’i dictate, either towards oneself, or towards one’s wife, then contemplate on how to address the issue in the most amicable and most loving manner. Again, if it is something you can simply overlook, as a sadaqah fee sabee lillah, then that is best. In such a case, you will forgive the aggression (or microaggressions) towards you or your wife, and that will become a means of immense reward for you.
Or if you find that it is something which you or you wife are not able to tolerate or maneuver around, such as their insistence for unislamic behavior towards the children, engaging in unislamic activity like music or entertainment and expecting the son and daughter in law to equally engage in it etc. then the best option may be discuss the issue with your parents. The idea here is again not to put them down, but to have them understand that just as their independence in their home affords them the autonomy to form their own life-style, so should they realize that the next generation will have similar desire for an autonomy to nurture their life-style.
The parents should also be aware, well before the needs arise, that when there are fundamental differences in temperaments between the parents and children, and that there is no scope or effort towards understanding and tolerance the different needs in life-style, one of the unwelcome outcome maybe that the children might choose to live elsewhere.
It is in the best interest of all the families involved in such a case that they understand the temperament of one another, and find a manageable balance between all members before matters escalate to decisions which are harder to come to terms with.
Wallahu A’lam
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Mufti Faisal al-Mahmudi